Adolescent ＂boss＂ encounters the escalation of two-child conflict？

　　Nancy’s son Xiao Ge is a little introverted and doesn’t like to talk much. On the first day, he seems to have fewer topics to communicate with his parents. Nancy gave birth to her daughter a year ago. When my sister was born, Xiao Ge occasionally came to my sister’s crib to have a look, but he didn’t tease her and couldn’t see his joy as a brother.

　　Nancy asked her son, "Do you like your sister?" He said: "I don’t like it, because my sister always cries. When she is sick and taking medicine, she deliberately spits it out, and her clothes are dirty. Besides, the milk on her body smells bad!"

　　Once, the grandmother who helped to look after Xiao Ge went out on business, and her daughter woke up and cried in bed. Nancy, who was going to the toilet, called Xiao Ge: "Brother, hurry to coax my sister." However, when she heard her daughter’s crying getting louder and louder, she hurried out of the toilet. Nancy saw a scene that surprised her: her son was standing in front of her sister’s bed, and her right hand was holding her sister’s face and twisting it left and right. Nancy was in a hurry and shouted at him angrily, "Why are you pulling your sister’s face?" Like a brother? " Xiao Ge quickly retracted his hand, and there were three obvious whitening nail prints on his daughter’s face. Nancy loves her little girl so much that she really wants to beat Xiao Ge.

　　Xiao Ge stared at Nancy, and two lines of tears rolled down and shouted at her, "Who makes her so annoying, always crying, so that I have no idea to do my homework?" You are partial and only love her. You love her when she doesn’t cry, and you coax her when she cries. She does everything right. When have you ever cared so much about me? "

　　Xiao Ge said that and rushed into her room. Then, she heard the "bang" sound of stationery and books being swept to the ground, and there was a loud wail.

　　For an instant, Nancy was shocked. To tell the truth, she never thought that her son would have such a big reaction. She just scolded Xiao Ge impatiently. Xiao Ge’s crying made Nancy feel sorry for her child again.

　　Secretly I don’t know how much I was jealous of my sister.

　　We habitually think that having two children is to give the boss a companion. We habitually think that my brother or sister must like my sister or younger brother. We also habitually think that my brother is older than my sister and should be sensible. When my sister is in trouble, my brother has to give way naturally. When my sister cries, my brother has to coax … …

　　"I forgot, in fact, Xiao Ge is just a child." Nancy said, I am busy taking care of my little one at ordinary times, leaving my little one to my grandmother, who will take him to school and accompany him for a walk at night. Although he didn’t say anything, he secretly didn’t know how much he was jealous of his sister. He hated that his sister took away his parents’ love for him.

　　Nancy said that since she was pregnant and it was inconvenient to go out, she did not take her son out to travel or visit the park for a long time, and rarely took him to the movies. After the daughter was born, she cried a lot, and the whole family turned around and took turns holding and coaxing. Sometimes, Nancy asks Xiao Ge to look after her sister. Xiao Ge looks unhappy: "Mom, this is your baby. Why do you want me to look at it?" I don’t want to play with her, I want to play with myself. "

　　No wonder, Nancy found that her sister’s toys were often not found and inexplicably ran to the bottom of the sofa. No wonder, my sister’s cloth book was painted in a mess with watercolor pens; No wonder my sister’s unused clean diapers appear in the dirty water in the washbasin … … It turns out that these are all good things that my son did on purpose.

　　On the night of the "sister-pinching incident", Nancy caressed her son and apologized to him. From the next day, she picked up her son personally after school every afternoon, and tried to take time to accompany him to do his homework and go downstairs to play at night. One day after school, Nancy took him directly to the cinema to watch movies, and took out his favorite KFC set meal from his bag. His son happily slung her arm and said emotionally, "Mom, you remember that I love this! I thought you only cared about your sister and forgot everything about me! " Nancy’s nose is sour, and she feels that she has wronged her son a lot.

　　In May 2019, the Statistical Bulletin on the Development of China’s Health Care in 2018 issued by the National Health and Wellness Commission showed that in 2018, there were 15.23 million people born in China, and the proportion of two children remained at around 50%. Among them, how many adolescent children encounter the newly born two children and face growing up with their younger brothers or sisters?

　　When the adolescent "eldest brother" is meeting two children, how parents should deal with this special period of the family has become a difficult problem for many families with two children.

　　Song Shaowei, a famous adolescent psychologist and executive director of the Quality Education Research and Development Center of Tsinghua University Humanities College, said in an interview with China Youth Daily and China Youth Network: "Adolescent children are particularly sensitive. After giving birth to a second child, don’t let the child feel suddenly abandoned by his parents. In the process of taking care of the little one, let the big one take care of the little one together. With this process, he will feel that mom and dad are still doing something with me. "

　　Song Shaowei suggested that parents can be frank with the boss: "Parents’ time is always limited. If they are small, there will be some neglect in the process of taking care of you, or there will be some reduction in time, but we still love you very much."

　　"You might as well tell your child frankly that you are busy with your second child. The more parents cover up, the more they cover up. Adolescent children are very energetic and feel that their parents are particularly hypocritical. " Song Shaowei said.

　　Adolescence is impatient with nothing but my sister.

　　Wu Li is 44 years old. Two years ago, as an elderly woman, she gave birth to her second daughter. Today, the eldest daughter Lele is in the second grade, and the second daughter is two years old. In order to take care of the two children, Wu Li chooses to be a full-time mother at home.

　　For the eldest daughter Lele, Wu Li bluntly said: "If you have two children, the troubles of adolescence are there, and the problems you face will not be reduced at all."

　　Wu Li said that the "quarrels" between her and Lele were almost trivial. For example, if you don’t knock at the door when you enter your daughter’s room, her daughter will yell "go out" in a particularly angry way; For example, when going to the toilet, Lele always walks in with her mobile phone for half an hour, and she can fly into a rage at the door; Another example is that the daughter takes a small mirror to take photos all day. Just after saying a few words about her, the eldest daughter rolls her eyes at her.

　　"These things have nothing to do with my sister." Wu Li said that the worst quarrel between her eldest daughter and her was riding a bicycle. Every day after school, Wu Li rides a bicycle to pick up her eldest daughter, and her two-year-old daughter sits on a small basket placed on the front beam of the bicycle.

　　"We usually ride bicycles side by side. There was a lot of traffic that day, and when I turned the corner, I said to her ‘ To the right and some, tandem ride ’ . She didn’t seem to hear me, and she rode slowly in front of me, so I leaned to the right. This is a great thing, she quarreled with me all the way. " The eldest daughter kept asking Wu Li why she deliberately squeezed her, and what was her intention? "First of all, I warned you to walk on the right. Secondly, I didn’t mean to squeeze you." Wu Li has repeatedly expressed her confession.

　　Arriving at the door, my daughter grabbed her bike and said, "You are dishonest. Let’s go to the traffic police to check the surveillance video!" " "You are sick! You are wasting my time. " Wu Li said. "You are sick, you are crazy, don’t pick me up in the future." The daughter said.

　　"You see, my sister’s face is cold. I don’t have time to talk to you here. " "It’s nothing to do with my sister. I’m talking about you. You must apologize to me today." Finally, Wu Li had to "pretend" to apologize to her eldest daughter with grievances. Wu Li said: "At puberty, the eldest daughter is like a cow. Anyone who shakes in front of her will lose his temper as long as he doesn’t like it."

　　Fortunately, I have a sister. "My sister was impatient with everything in adolescence, only her sister. All her good looks were given to her sister." Wu Li said that in normal times, Lele would feed her sister, take her to watch cartoons and tell her stories when she slept at night. Lele said to her, "When I was born, I weighed two kilograms, one kilogram was fleshy and one kilogram was cute. When I grew up, there were more and more fleshy, but the cuteness did not increase, so I became unlovable."

　　"The eldest daughter has more conflicts with us, and there is no conflict with her sister. For the puberty of the eldest daughter, the two-year-old sister played a certain role as a moderator. " Wu Li said.

　　"In the past, my eldest daughter slept alone in a room, often staying up until 11 o’clock, and sometimes she was insomnia. Later, I asked my eldest daughter to sleep with me, and my sister slept between us. Unexpectedly, Lele was very happy. She scratched her sister’s back every day and went to bed on time at 9: 30 in the evening, for fear of affecting her sleep. "

　　Let adolescent babies participate in bringing up two children together.

　　Nancy said that after watching movies with her son alone, she often found opportunities to take her daughter and son to play together, and solemnly told Xiao Ge: "My sister is a child born to my mother, and you are also a child born to my mother. Mom should take care of it! You take care of your sister, and your mother will do things quickly, so that she can have extra time to study, watch movies and go to the park alone. "

　　Xiao Ge had to compromise reluctantly. Sometimes, he is like a baby, crawling with his sister on the crawling mat in the living room, reading story books to her and playing with toys with her. Recently, my sister was learning to walk. When he saw her wobbly and stood up and walked forward, he was worried that her sister would fall, and he would quickly follow her to protect her. She looked like a brother.

　　Sun Yunxiao, chief expert of China Youth Research Center, said: "Actually, having two children is a great psychological challenge to the eldest brother. Even if the child enters adolescence and becomes a young adult, he is inexperienced, ignorant and full of fear in being a brother or sister, and needs the help of his parents. If parents and families ignore this point, it will do great harm to children, and the relationship between the two children in the future is unpredictable. If the boss’s psychological problems are not solved, maybe he will hate the second child and torture the second child in various ways. "

　　Sun Yunxiao said: "The contradiction between the eldest and the second is something that all families may face. As an only child, the boss used to enjoy the love of his parents, but now he has a second child, so parents have to help his children accept and adapt, and help them eliminate their fears. Rights and responsibilities correspond and the two are unified. "

　　Song Shaowei once had an 18-year-old student. When the student went out to play with his brother, who was a few months old, many people teased him and said, "Yo, you will have a baby!" His students were not angry at all, and they proudly said to others, "This is my brother. Taking him with them is like taking care of my own children."

　　Song Shaowei said: "If there is an adolescent child and a second child is born, the best way at this time is to let the adolescent child feel that the second child is his own. Being able to take care of his younger brother and sister is his own value, because the child needs a sense of adulthood and value in adolescence. If he is allowed to participate in taking care of his younger brother and sister more, the child will actually be very proud."

　　Sun Yunxiao said that in life, many people have suffered a lot for two children, such as being a stay-at-home mother. This is a contradiction between the reasonable desire to have children and the reality. It is reasonable and always reasonable to have two children, and the requirements are just, which is in line with the basic needs of human development. In the Soviet era, a child whose mother was not well educated went to the educator Makarenko for advice, and his advice was "Then you can have another one".

　　Facts have proved that two children are better educated, and he told a truth that there is an ecological balance in nature and a balance in population. Families with two children are relatively balanced. "Before, many people paid some prices for the second child. In my opinion, these payments are valuable." Sun Yunxiao said. (China Youth Daily China Youth Network reporter Gui Jie)